Do you feel that people take advantage of you ? Are you a people pleaser ? Do you feel smothered by others in your life ? Are there people in your circle of friends who drain you ? Do you believe that you need to help others continually ? Do you feel guilty or uncomfortable saying “no” to someone ? Do you say “yes” to someone & then think why didn’t I just say “no” ? If you answered YES to these, perhaps it’s time to look at your boundaries & perhaps reset them….
We all have boundaries, be them physical, material or emotional boundaries. The material boundaries ( e.g. whether we will lend out our favourite book or give someone money ) & physical boundaries ( e.g. refers to our personal space, as well as our privacy & bodies ) are so much easier to put in place , compared to our emotional boundaries !
Boundaries are extremely important as they :
- Protect you
- Define who you are.
- Help you take care of not only your emotional & physical needs but your spiritual needs too.
When others “invade” your personal space, you tend to step back to create space between yourselves, as them being too close makes you feel extremely uncomfortable. When your emotional boundaries are “invaded”, you may get frustrated, agitated & even angry. Now imagine if you had boundaries in place…..You’d feel a lot happier wouldn’t you?Imagine saying something like ,” I’m unable to help you today “, it may feel uncomfortable if you haven’t said this before, but with time you will feel more comfortable & you’ll be true to your own personal needs too. No, setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s actually a necessity & others will respect you more. In fact, setting boundaries shows self-respect & self-worth.
So what do you need to remember when setting boundaries ?
- Be clear on what your needs are around what you value, what is important to you & what you want to achieve.
- Keep them simple.
- Be consistent.
- Decide on the consequences if a boundary is crossed e.g. do you end a friendship if you are lied to twice in one day, or are you going to give them one more chance ?
To help you get started on setting boundaries or resetting them, you can do this exercise :
- Think of 3 things people do around you, that you DON’T like e.g. swearing.
- Think of 3 things people say to you, that you DON’T like e.g. “You never get things done properly. “
- Think of 3 things that people in your circle or workplace are doing around you, that you DON’T like e.g. putting others down behind their backs.
- Now think of a response for each of the 9 & add a positive request after it . For example, if someone says to you , ” You never get things done properly “, you could say, ” I feel hurt when you say that, but I would appreciate you explaining / showing me how I can improve.”
Are you going to re-look at your boundaries ?